What was life like before you met Jesus?
Before I met Jesus, I was constantly seeking acceptance or a high. A deeper longing within my heart seemed not to be satisfied by anything for more than a temporary time. My identity drifted like the wind. I had no anchor, no steady ground. I became entrenched in promiscuity as young as fourteen, and the enemy grew my unquenchable hunger until I was twenty-four. I was chained by the sins that were bonded to this and felt there was simply no way out. This season exposed so much alcohol, drugs, late nights, early mornings, anxiety, worry, pride, selfishness, pity, anger and so much depression. I was on a rollercoaster of hell that I simply couldn't get off, but each time I started on it again, I thought it would end differently. Somehow I thought God would magically heal me, and I could simultaneously have Him and my desires. I lived a two-faced life. I would show up to church on Sundays. I would occasionally go on a mission trip and do prayer groups and bible studies. I would get a taste of the glory of God, but I wouldn't trust him with my entire life, and then I would return to my old habits. Sure, I knew of God. I was raised in the church from a young age. But I didn't love God enough to entrust him with my entire life and eternity.
How did you meet Jesus?
I met Jesus at a young age. It was more of "hi, hello, you seem nice, this looks better/easier over here, and I'm too far gone for you" type of interaction for 10+ years. I tried so many times. I lost count how many times I would sit down and try to figure out how to straighten my life out. To muster up the ability to become a Jesus devoted friend, daughter, granddaughter, and future wife I desired to be. But I couldn't do it until I figured out how to break the chains of my sin and honestly, say a heart-wrenching goodbye to the things that had satisfied me for a decade.
I started going to Veritas in January of 2019 by myself. For three months, I walked in and walked out alone not speaking to anyone. In March, a woman walked up to me after church, as I stood there, praying I could find a community to walk with me. She led me to a culture of healthy Christian community, and I'm so grateful for our ever-growing mission for the Lord. In January of 2022, I started Steps, now Gospel Pathways. I was paired with my mentor, Stacia Bissell. This woman, that I had never met before and I somehow was supposed to entrust my entire life details to. And God miraculously used her as a vessel for the Lord to break chains that I tried to do in my own strength for a decade. I can't begin to share the exposure, the pain, the uncomfortable tearing away from these sins I felt. But the freedom, the joy, the unsurmountable devotion that I finally felt for the Lord; this feeling is something I can now hold onto and access every single day of my life, and nothing on this earth or in the spiritual world can take this from me. "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." - Romans 8:38.
This has been a process. Sanctification is SUCH a slow, amazing process. But it's so sweet to walk with the Lord as I no longer struggle with the temptation of promiscuity because it's truly just not good like God. God morphed the view of my sin into this disgusting trench that I don't even like to step my toe into anymore. The enemy has no power over this anymore. Because I simply don't want to break my Father's heart because I love him too much. I no longer look in that direction. And this is not by my own doing. I can't explain how my flesh no longer desires it, and that is because of CHRIST and his spirit working in me and through me. UGH, he's so sweet and so kind to share this with me. He lifted a veil off my eyes to see the depravity of my sin and the GLORY of his existence. Psalm 18:19 "He led me to a place of safety, he rescued me because he delights in me". The Lord revealed to me that he truly loves me. I am a daughter of the King. He delights in me enough to carry me in his arms, regardless of the state I’m in. He wants every single part of me. He's a jealous God.
After being saved by Jesus, what is your life like now?
My life has changed since going from a lukewarm Christian to 100% in and saved. One might say, I’ve recklessly abandoned all of this world for his glory. I have a Father that I know I can run to at any time, any state, without worry of condemnation. I get to invite him into every part of my day. Sometimes that looks like joy, happy tears, and worship. Sometimes that looks like confusion, frustration, and doubt. But I know that God's promises are so much more true than my fleshly responses to life, and he is bigger than all of this. I get to walk with God. I get to trust a HUGE God. I have the privilege of inviting him into everything. Every decision, every conversation, every thought, and every mission he invites me into. Because I know He delights in me, and He desires to have my heart in everything I do. So I wake up every day with the desire to honor Him and to please Him. I crave time with him. He has changed my taste buds. He has turned “graphe into rhema”. The bible is no longer just words on a page to me. I fail DAILY and often have to come back to the cross and submit myself to Him to remind myself just how SOVEREIGN he is and how sweet the gospel is. Then, suddenly my problems, my worries, and my thoughts become a little bit smaller and my lense gets bigger because I know that my heart is truly set on eternity with Him.
I long for heaven. Pure joy, eternity without pain, confusion or sadness; just the presence of our GREAT God. I often get homesick for heaven. And that's what keeps me going each day. Especially when my mind is functioning in such a feeble state and I often forget these things. But each time I become smaller due to my shortcomings, His glory gets brighter and sweeter and He allows me to CONTINUE to worship Him and He delights in this. How sweet. I never want to lose the feeling of coming to the Lord, in a child- like state, sitting at the feet of Jesus. Nothing on this earth can compare. So I remember, "Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later." - Romans 8:18. I have a future hope because of Jesus, and I truly have taken this to heart since getting born again. Because, if anything, life has become more challenging since coming to Christ.
The sanctification continues, and the challenges are present. The year has been so hard. It reminds me of Job. God told Satan he could have him; he just could not kill him. God pushed me to a point where I had no other choice but to rely on Him, crushing me to the extent of my flesh and creating intimacy with Him. Alas, this always ends in embrace, sweet time with Him, and a future hope with Him. Even amongst my struggles and suffering that I don't think have answers. Nothing will ever compare to the suffering that Jesus endured on the cross for ME. Me, a sinner, undeserving of love. I know that I deserve complete separation from Him, and because of this, I want to love and honor Him for the rest of my life because He truly paid it all.
God continues to show up every single day. The prayers answered, the circumstances that just don't quite make sense to the flesh, the peace in the mundane, and the purpose that he continues to give me in life. The unexplainable hope and joy that He gives me freely. He reminds me daily that I truly don't need anything else in this life but Him. In the anxiety, depression, confusion, and "end of my wits" moments, I know that I haven't met the end. I've maybe met "my end", out of my fleshly strength. But then there, so sweetly, I can live within the Lord's capacity and strength. I get to continue to live in this as I know he will walk me through different seasons and sanctifications to grow me closer to a reflection of Jesus. He’s preparing me as I continue to walk in the Kingdom and as he has recently planted seeds of mission and greater opportunity to share his beautiful and boundless glory. Thank you, Jesus, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11.