In a world where marriage seems as easy to get out of as it is to get into (for those who even choose that path), you have to wonder why that has become the case — why so many marriages fail or are on the brink of falling apart. The data shows that in America, about 50% of all marriages will end in divorce. This is heartbreaking. For Christians, this should sadden us as well as lead us to reflection, since God is the one who created the marriage covenant. As we see in Ephesians 5, marriage is a shadow, a reflection of the covenant between Christ and the church. God is faithful to and has purpose in all his covenant promises, therefore we can have confidence that God desires for our marriages to be a picture of the love that he offers to the church.
So then, how do we keep our marriages intact? Not only that, but thriving and beautiful? I’m not going to claim to have a single original thought and most, if not all, is what I have gleaned from Elisabeth Elliot. In her book,
Let Me Be a Woman, she points to four things that make a marriage work:
1. Acceptance of divine order
2. Proper use of sex
3. Loyalty and pride
4. Love
Easy enough, right?
As I’ve contemplated what she wrote about each of these, I’ve come to realize these truly are some of the core “tips” to having a successful marriage. When any of these are abused in any way, problems, often big, and wounds, often deep, arise.
Let’s dive into each of these to get a better picture of what this looks like.
Acceptance of Divine Order - God created both man and woman uniquely and as complements to each other. My husband and I have equal value, but we are not the same! Again in Paul’s short treatise on the purpose of marriage in Ephesians chapter 5, it states that the man has been given authority in the family (Ephesians 5:23) and the woman is to submit to her husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22). When we try to deviate from those roles, tension occurs. It is no longer a graceful dance where both partners flourish, but it ends up looking nothing like a dance and probably more like an angry fight. Wives, let your husband lead (pray for him, share your heart and opinions, and do not manipulate). Husbands, love and care for your wife above yourself (pray for her, listen to her heart, and know and care for her). This is God’s design, and while it may not be easy to follow it is for our good and for His glory.
Proper Use of Sex - Sex is abused in so many marriages. Instead of focusing on all the ways that it is improperly used here, I think Elisabeth Elliot states its proper use simply and concisely: “The essence of sexual enjoyment…is self-giving...Each has ‘power’ over the other’s [body], each holding the other’s in holiness and honor under God. You will find that it is impossible to draw the line between giving pleasure and receiving pleasure. If you put the giving first, the receiving is inevitable.”
Sex is a wonderful gift in marriage, meant to provide unique intimacy and unity. Don’t neglect it, and don’t use it as a weapon. Serve your spouse and enjoy each other as God intended!
Loyalty and Pride - Elliot describes the relationship between loyalty and pride in this way: “Loyalty is based on pride, the right sort of pride that recognizes intrinsic worth.” While it often can be difficult to overlook the flaws in our spouse, it is important to have pride in the spouse you made a covenant with. You can do this by speaking well of them, being loyal to them, and celebrating them and your marriage as often as you can . Even when the world shouts you are your own person, and nothing and no one can change that, remember that you are united with your spouse as one flesh! Value them as your own self, your own flesh and blood, “because two become one and no one despises oneself” (Ephesians 5:29).
Love - There is so much that could be said about the way that God calls us to love, but to keep it simple, we all know 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”
Here we see that love is not primarily a feeling but a conscious action taken daily. In the same way, the Lord loves us actively and perfectly and undeservedly. Now we can start to realize what love is and how to do it! As we grow in our understanding, worship, and devotion to the Lord, so our love (the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love) will also grow, and our quickness to repent and forgive. As we apply this in our own life, we build a foundation of selflessness and love for others that allows us to put on display the work of God in our marriage.
Bonus: while this was not on Elisabeth Elliot’s list, I think laughter and fun are also important. Laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. And when your spouse laughs at you, join the laughter. Belly laugh with the one you love until you cry. Have inside jokes only you two share and giggle over (yes, I said giggle). It might just be us, but even on the hard days, laughing draws us closer. There is no one I would rather laugh with (and do everything and nothing with) than my husband because of the safety within our marriage and the love he extends to me.
Marriage is such a wonderful gift we get to experience this side of heaven. Don’t enter into it lightly. I’ll leave you with one final gem from Elliot: “So – you marry a sinner. And you love, accept, and forgive that sinner as you yourself expect to be loved, accepted, and forgiven. You know that ‘all have sinned come short of the glory of God,’ and this includes your husband who comes short, also, of some of the glories you expected to find in him. Come to terms with this once and for all and then walk beside him as ‘heirs together of the grace of life.’”